It can be hard to dating how to approach this topic, and while many of us realize that the concept and practice of dating in much of society today is largely inappropriate, it can be hard to determine how to get to know a person really well, while at the same time remaining steadfast in the Cause and staying within the framework of chastity. Each must, however, exercise the utmost care to become thoroughly acquainted with the character of the other, that the binding covenant between them may be a tie that will endure forever.
Their purpose must be this: to become loving companions and comrades and at one with each other for time and eternity. Problems with alcohol or drugs. Problems with chastity e. This may well continue into marriage. Aggression or violence if someone hits you once it is advisable to end the relationship immediately. Do not give a person the chance to hit you a second time.
Not even when they tearfully apologize. A person hitting someone needs therapeutic help! You should never assume that a person who says before the wedding Baha they do not want to have children will change their mind later on.
Consult about it, ask questions, share. You are looking for ways that your life plans can come together, for dreams that can be shared, and a future that can be lived as a couple. Work together or do a project together. Explore your respective relationships to your faith s together. Take care of each other when one of you is sick. Talk about gender roles and expectations with each other.
See how your partner treats women and men. Spend leisure time together.
Do sports together. Cook and eat together. Host a core activity together. Studies have shown that couples benefit greatly from professional marriage preparation and that their marriages are happier and last longer. From a psychological point of view, I would personally recommend a time period of at least one year of investigation before deciding to get married provided of course this time is used wisely.
The space of one year allows you to experience a whole cycle of nature together including possible effects like seasonal affective disorders, i. After all, you are trying to blend two lives, two family cultures, two backgrounds and two life plans together, therefore it is very helpful to have a good understanding of what those are before setting out to achieve this. Kate is a psychologist and couples therapist, specialized in the field of marriage preparation.
Her personal experiences in this field are 14 years of marriage and three children. She has studied marriages and their dynamics for many years, both from a Baha'i perspective and from a scientific point of view and is fascinated by this most unique human relationship and its potential to transform people, families and society.
I really enjoyed reading this article, looking back at my life I seriously could have used some of these tips in my past experience. This is very informative and interesting article.
Spiritual dating: creating connections that go the distance
I am a Bahai born in Iran raised in America by traditional Iranian parents. The article was good. I have been married for twentyfive years and I shared this article just now with my three teenagers. Thanks Kate! Obviously, the author of this article is sharing her perspective and is not making any claims that her ideas are perfectly accurate.
We are living in an extremely challenging environment and few young people come to marriage unscathed. Warm regards Cate. Well done. Wish to hear more articles on this subject. Thank you!
How to get thoroughly acquainted: one baha’i’s perspective on dating
If you have any specific questions, please feel free to contact me. Thank you. Thank you, Kate You did an amazing job gathering such a clear framework about dating and finding a possible partner for our children, youth and young adults. We appreciate that very much. Wonderful article of faith and practical advice for parents, uncles, cousins to start an important conversation with kids and teenagers… Thank you so much.
Love it. Thank you, Kate. Short of preparation, I was hesitating how to start actually pretty late now, which I should have stated earlier. This article is thumbed up by a young man, who is also an animator of my doughter.
He happened to be one of the animators for my doughter and son, too.
This article is exactly the kind that to be the source of my gender education sharing with my son and doughter. I am sure it would be one for all including Nadia as the commenter above as well. What a great Bahai world with the cyber community, where we can share the nice thing from another half hemisphere of the world. Thank you, Kate, for the sharing!
An investigation of character: 12 reasons why i love her and bahá’í dating culture
Thank you for sharing and for your kind words! It was good to see the clash of differing opinions in the comments section of this article, but the differences need to be spelled-out. The spark of truth is often the result of such a clash, such an expression, of differences, but the areas of disagreement need to be fleshed-out, so to speak. Heat is certainly created from the opinionatedness, but little light arises from the expression of difference.
I agree with some points but disagree with some. However, I feel that telling everything about your past life to your new potential partner especially if you have had a difficult relationship with anyone earlier is a definite no no! I did that and after I got married that information was misused to make me feel bad about myself etc. Thanks for the article though…. Food for thought! Dear Lubna, thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience!
I do think that wisdom is needed, meaning to judge wisely when to disclose what type of information about yourself to a person you are starting to get to know. On the other hand, if we wish to establish a loving, deep and intimate relationship with another human being, we need to risk being vulnerable and openly and honestly share about ourselves including our past experiences.
The risk that comes with this of course is the possibility that the other person does not prove trustworthy and uses this information against us. It all comes down to trust and finding a person that is trustworthy. I hope very much that you will be able to find such a person! Given the current Baha climate of the youth generation and the ideas associated around the casual dating culture, this list may come across as judgmental, especially for someone who re this and who is not familiar with the Faith.
I think that dating and marriage are absolutely included within this framework, but information presented as it is in this article does not make that very clear. Dear Fran, dating you for your very thoughtful insights! Therefore my article had to be separated in two parts. Thank you for sharing your thoughts! Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this topic. It is important to continue a discourse on such topics, as we are all searching to grow. I rarely dating but feel the need to as a few of my friends and I have some concerns about this article.
However, this is not the case. Therefore it is important to understand that this article is an accumulation of thoughts and experiences of an individual. Besides violent abuse, I feel these are key points for exploration whether or not you have or can arrive at a common belief and approach to these issues before Baha to marry. Dear concerns, thank you for sharing your thoughts and concerns!
I fully agree that it is important to continue a discourse, so here are my thoughts on the points you mentioned: 1. In my view, pointing out that sth is a possible way automatically implies that there are other possible ways.
Everything Baha here is meant only as suggestions derived from the study of the Writings, psychological research, datings of experience and conversations with many couples. The Writings tell us about the harmony of science a religion and in this article I attempted to bring together my understanding of the Writings with the insights psychological science provides us with.
In order to see a more complete picture though of course still very incomplete due to the complexity of the topic! In my point of view, it is wise not to enter into a relationship if any of the red flags apply. In no way was I trying to imply though that somebody who has struggled with these problems in the past but has found a way to overcome them should not be considered as a potential partner or that we should not help or support friends who are struggling with any of these problems.
Pyyntöäsi ei voi käsitellä
Thank you for giving me a chance to clarify this point! For some of the constructive consultation on this complex subject, Kate, which you and others might enjoy, you might enjoy some of the several sub-sections of my website, sub-sections dealing with psychology, theory, relationships and community. Thanks Kate for the wonderful words reminding us about things we should do before getting married, I am youth from Papua New Guinea, you are doing a great job, reading your blog is helping me try and leave a chaste life before i can get married.
In my country this is a struggle that youths are facing, we wanted to rush things without getting to know a person better or seeking guidance from the Bahai writings. In our society our parents dont talk openly about marriage as we have some traditional laws that makes people ashamed to talk openly. Coming to become a Bahai and knowing the wisdom it provides, i hope to one be a dating parent. Thank you for your loving words, dear Jacinta! If you really want to know what kind of person your perspective date might be, there is a very simple way to find out. First make date to pick them up at 10 am, then show at 9 am and see what happens.
Maybe on another date, if there is Baha, plan an activity where you both stay up 24 hours, a long road trip or concert or something, and see how long you can both hold it together!!