If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is a so called actual as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. Read it all. Do not skip any sections.
Do not skip ahead. Note: For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off around Halloween. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. The original judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light beer booth, when the call came in.
Besides, they told me, I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3. Amusing kick.
Judge 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge 3 Frank -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.
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I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Great kick.
Judge 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
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Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
Judge 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This lb.
Is chili an aphrodisiac? Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
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Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.
The 19th hole
Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge 2 -- The best yet.
Aggressive use of peppers and garlic. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. Judge 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
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Judge 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. Atleast during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.
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Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? Judge 3 - No Report. Im alone all day and night today.
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