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So if there's one question I hear way too often it is: how do I get my dick sucked? Well friends, I am more than happy to help solve this conundrum. After months minutes of research, I have compiled the end-all be-all list of surefire ways to get your dick sucked.

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He shook my hand with wonder in his eyes and told me that one of my articles was one of the top 3 most clicked on Mercury website. That was me, all right!

Well folks, the web stats have spoken, and I hear your mighty yawps. But it's just about how one goes about sucking a dick. Look I get it, dicks are in a high-traffic area ; in close proximity to sweat glands AND a nut sack.

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Trim the pubes, and maaaaybe the hair on your thighs if you are especially hirsute. Are you trying to get someone to suck your balls?

Get some scents in the game! Leave your Old Spice or Axe Body Spray at home unless you dab it on with a Q-tip—seriously, just a whisper of musky scents will do. Essential oils can do wonders for a swampy dick.

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May I suggest lemon verbena, peppermint, or Eucalyptus? Just ask for what you want like the adult you are. Buy brunch! While none of these things will entitle you to a blowjob, they might grease the wheel a bit. Receiving oral sex is nice.

Being on the receiving end of such intimate attention can make you feel like royalty. Sadly, the patriarchal industrial complex has made these blowjobs feel like currencywhich is such a turn off to sexy feminists like myself.

Think of a blowjob as frosting on the sex cake. Wait, no, as frosting on the sex pie.

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Remember what Ghandi said: Give the head that you want to see in the world. Being generous will usually pay off in bed.

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